Wow, it really has been a hell of a long time since I posted here! *waves* I’m still alive!

A few things recently have got me thinking specifically about gender. Now I don’t know nearly enough about gender that I should do, in fact, I know practically nothing about gender. That said, I know more about *my* gender than anyone on the outside world could possibly know.

Gender can be a big gender-y-timey-wimey blob of a thing. Everyone has differing opinions on what gender actually is, in reality people will never agree… ever. But that’s fine because it doesn’t actually matter! Whatever gender someone chooses to define themselves as is not the business of any other person on this planet.

It’s not rocket science, you don’t need to understand gender to get it. The person you are speaking to is a person, the gender that they identify as is completely irrelevant to practically any aspect of the relationship that you have with them.

Your religious views, personal opinions, your own gender, all have absolutely zero relevance to my gender, so please keep them out of it. Don’t try to tell anyone else what their gender is or isn’t, you simply will never know as much about them as they know about themselves.

That said, if you want to try to understand gender, go for it! :) I do however wish you luck! I’m probably not the right person to ask, but I can probably point you in the direction of people that get it more than I do.


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Don’t feed the trolls

(This started out as a Facebook status update, and it started as a rant about feminism, before having a bit of a realisation and started typing this instead, and before I knew it, it was too long for Facebook!)

OK, so here’s the deal as I see it. Most people who go about their day to day life, don’t care, they don’t care about trans people, they don’t care about homosexuals. That’s not caring in a good way, as in, it makes no difference to them, they just see us as people… which is good, yes?

Our biggest fight, from what I can see is small groups of people on a mission, within larger groups. The majority of christian’s are ok, the majority of feminists, are ok, the majority of teenagers, are ok… I could go on! Yet, we end up listening and taking offence from the (frankly) idiots in the minority. What about if *we* started to not care? You know, the kind of “don’t feed the troll” logic.

Most people out there who don’t care about us, also don’t care about them, I suspect that a large proportion of their audience is us, feeding and fuelling them. A flame will go out without oxygen, surely its time we turned the fight to metaphorically starve them of oxygen?

Maybe I’m being too sensible when I say that we’ll never have 100% acceptance, there will always be a few out there that will never accept, it’s just the way that humans are, but for those few, if they’ve got no audience, then there is a massively reduced problem.

Show the world that we are normal and harmless, and the world (over time) will more and more discount the opinions of the ever diminishing minority.

That’s just my take on things anyway!



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I’m privileged

I posted something similar elsewhere, but here is a version for my blog :-)

Around various communities that I’m in, the word privilege thrown about as a bad thing, making out that some groups are more privileged than others. I don’t doubt that this is true, to be fair, we are all privileged in some way. I don’t want to rant about how this is just casually used in arguments with no real backing, I want to say what privilege is to me.

I am privileged to be able to walk down the street and not get any hassle, to not have to worry about *where* I go, or when I go there. There are so many people like me that haven’t been afforded that luxury.

I am privileged that I don’t have to hide the life that I lead, yet I still don’t push it in peoples faces, hence me rewording this post. Some people have to live the lifestyle they enjoy in private.

I am privileged to make the choices that I want to make, do the things that I want to do. People moan about the UK and what it’s becoming, but it’s a hell of a lot better than so many countries out there to live in for freedom.

I am privileged to pass as a girl. I don’t believe in my heart that I do, I don’t see a girl when I look in the mirror. But people around me tell me that I do, so I must trust them.

I am privileged for the advice I am given, even if I’m sometimes useless at taking it. It matters to me that people care about me enough to give it, it would be all to easy for people to give up on me!

I am privileged for friends from all walks of life. You don’t have to be a specific kind of person to be awesome, and I love you regardless of what slot in my life you fit into.

I am privileged to have the freedom to make my own mistakes, to look like an idiot, and to come out of anything a stronger person.

Not so long ago that I was struggling to find my place, I am privileged to now be finding it.

It’s a privilege to me to have people close to me. I really do appreciate that, lots. Without knowing it, the people around me save my life, very often.

This is what privilege really is.



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Updated Video: From A to B – My Transition

I have added some earlier pictures to the beginning of this :-)



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Emotional Day

Sorry for hardly posting, but I don’t want to be one of those people that post’s for the sake of it, I’ll only post when I have something to post about.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me, it was the day I was supposed to have my operation, if things would have happened according to the original plan. I really didn’t think that it would affect me that emotionally, but it did. I had so many “what if’s” going through my head… what if I would have had the operation, etc?

It was bound to happen to be fair, it was supposed to be one of the biggest days of my life, it was a day that I was planning so long for, a day that in theory would have completed the process. So why didn’t it happen?

There wasn’t a chance that I could go through with it if there was doubts in my head about if it was what I wanted. I’ve said before that I would *never* go back to being a man, and I stand by that. But, why should I have an operation to validate who I am? Doing thing’s like that has never been the way that I’ve lived my life, so why should it be any different?

Social norms tell us that if you are transsexual, you must transition, then have a big major operation to change the outer parts of your body. No, this is completely wrong! For some people, that may be the way that they wish to go, and so they should. But for others, we don’t feel the need to take such a drastic course of action… I want to lead my life the way that I want it, and I want to have my body the way that I want it, I will not be pressurised by “social norms” to do things that I don’t actually want to do, and nobody should ever have to feel that way.

I am so glad that I saw that there was an alternative, and that the alternative was possible, before I ended up making the biggest mistake of my life, on what would have been the biggest day of my life. Again, I’ve said before that right now, I’m happy as I am, very happy, and I don’t need to change that!

But I still can’t help but wonder, what if…?




Gender Identity

One of my best friends posted this on their blog, and I wanted to share it :-) I can’t link to it as its not really a public blog, but she’s let me copy and paste this particular post (excuse the spelling)…

I have a fantastic transexual friend. I would consider her to be my rock in a lot of my life.I was talking to her last night about my ‘experience’ at the GUM clinic yesterday when i went in to get my contraception checked.

I arrived at the clinic and was handed a form so I could get an STI check at the same time. I was answering all the usual questions Name, Age, DOB ect. when the question of sex arrose. Now here there were only two options. I had two issus with this… hence this blog..

Firstly on the most simple level someone who is transexual (not transvestite or a cross-dresser) is considered and treated as a female. It says female on their passport and even on their birth certificate. however depending on where they are in their transition they may still have male genitalia meaing that they would have to see a Dr who is able to perform the tests on a male. This imediatly puts them in an awquard possition. they have to tick the box that says male hence outing themselves as a transexual to the clinic staff, who are bound to ask questions as to why they are ticking the male box when they clearly look and act like a women.

My second issue derives from the first. Why in the 21st century do I have to identify as male or female, straight, Bi or Gay. I mean why is it not socially acceptable and commom for people to identify as neither male and female. I should guess that a siginificant portion of the population is Trans of some variety. I mean there are the common ones that are acceptable such as Transexual, Transvestite, and Drag queens and Kings. But these are all labels meaning that you have to pick one. In todays socienty you have to fit into a box, people have gone to war over less. I am proud to not feel the need to label myself, I am me that is all I shouldnt have to be male or female or gay and straight. I want to be gener neutral, but this is not sociably acceptable. If I want to cut my hair short and spiky and wear baggy jeans and a football top society would label me a butch lesbian. If I grow my hair long and wear pretty dresses society labels me as a barbie- type a typical hetrosexual woman. Well news flash I am still me.

Labels are not one size fits all…. the classic exaple of this in society are one size fits all clothes. I know you have all done it at some point brought a top that says one size fits all. How did that work out for you? I would put money on it either being far to baggy or tight.. to short or to long… This is proof that labels designed to fit everyone dont work even in the simplest terms. I when forced to would pick the following labels to descibe me-:

I am a gender fluid (meaning that I identify as both a male or female at any given point I mainly identify as a female in public) sexualy I guess I would have to identify as pansexual (meaning I am capable of finding anybody of any sex sexually attactive)

I dont like the labels at all thou they are like that one size fits all tee-shirt they dont fit properly and dont realy decribe me.

I am creating a new label-:

I just thought it was totally awesome and wanted to share it. Nothing at all to do with the fact I can’t be bothered to write something myself! 😉



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Did I time it right?

My first proper time out!

I transitioned nearly 4 years ago back in 2008, my “big outing” was on my 23rd birthday and yes, I looked terrible… but lets face it, we’ve all been there once! I had it all prepared, I’d let everyone close to me know what was happening, even sending a mass-message to everyone on Facebook pointing out that they might notice something a little bit different about me! All this came after years and years of saying that I was going to do it, but did I get the timing right? Do I think that I should have actually transitioned earlier?

Not a chance! I think I got the timing more or less perfect. It was at a point where I was becoming more stable. I don’t think I could have coped with transitioning at the same time as going through that dark time in my life that I’d had in the years before that. At first, the transition wasn’t easy, while I had very little trouble from other people, there is still that level of self conciousness to deal with, which remained until I gained enough confidence to have another “sod it” moment (my life seems to be defined by a series of “sod it” moments!). The capacity in my mind at the time just wasn’t there to deal with *another* thing going on on top of all that!


There are a lot of people that say they wish they’d done it sooner, and there are a lot of people that do it sooner, but everyone is different. If I’d have left it much longer, then I’d probably be saying now that I should have transitioned earlier.

And then there is the question, would I have preferred it if I’d just been born a girl? I kind of think both ways with this one… Yes, perhaps it may have made my life a little bit easier, but equally, I look back and despite all the rubbish I’ve been through to get to where I am now… a large part of my journey to get here has been fun and enjoyable, and to be fair has made me a much better and person!

So basically, I think I’ve got it right, and I don’t think that I’d go back and really change that much about how I got here, even if I had a chance to. I’ve made it here now, and I guess that in the grand scheme of things, that’s all that really matters.

Afterthought: Taking the journey this way, has made me learn a lot about other people in the world, which has given me some valuable lessons in recent times!



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Video: Why I’m putting off the op


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Why the trans community annoys me

This is going to be a bit of a rant I’m afraid, it’s all about one word… “tranny”

If there is one word that will divide a community, this is it. I describe myself as a tranny, I’m very happy being a tranny, in fact I love being a tranny. Now, some trans people dislike this word… so I don’t refer to others as a tranny (unless they feel like me!)

Yet, those that dislike it, seem to want to ram it down peoples throats that we shouldn’t ever use that word, that its evil and that the world will end! Newsflash: things are different these days! In general us youngens have reclaimed the word… we don’t use it with the evil meaning it once had, we use it in a fun “we are comfortable with who we are” kind of way.

Channel 4’s documentary ‘My Transexual Summer’ has highlighted this. Now, I think that the first episode was very very good and portrayed us very well. But shock horror, a transgendered person referred to *themselves* as a tranny, so now half the community is up in arms and portraying the show to be bad for the community.

Let us call ourselves what we want, it doesn’t have to affect you. There are bigger fish to fry out there than someone calling themselves a tranny!

This is why I usually avoid the trans community, I find the rest of the world a more friendly place, and I know I’m not the only trans person to feel that way.

Ok I’m done!


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Awesome news

Sorry for not updating… I’ve been very ill and very busy!

Anyway, I have awesome news… I’ve got a date for my op! 27th March, only 5 months… eek! It feels so good to know that its actually finally going to happen, and I can start getting on with my life!

I’ll have a week in hospital in that London, bored as anything… come visit me! But no, I won’t let you test it 😉


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That NHS thing

Yeah sorry.. its been one of those weekends… busy and ill! I hope you didn’t get too used to daily posts… I’m cutting back to 3 a week now! Got a couple of other projects on the go now.

Anyway, everyone loves the NHS right? Wait, who’s that screaming in the back row? Come on! They aren’t that bad… for the majority they do good(ish). Just like anything else, you only ever hear the bad stories and that leads everyone to believe that they are evil!

Well, my NHS story is average. Nothing particularly bad, nothing particularly good… but to be fair, isn’t that what its all about? Yes, perhaps its taken a bit longer than it should do to get this far, but there are an awful lot of people taking my journey too, so its only to be expected!

What I can say though, is the people along the way have been fantastic, those people that generally take all the stick when things go wrong… do people care when things are good? My doctor has been perfect throughout my transition. Yes, she didn’t have a clue what to do at first, but she made a big effort to find out and make things happen :)

Yes, rubbish happens, but remember its only a small minority of cases you ever hear about, so don’t get put off. My opinion may change if I have the op and find they’ve put the hole in my elbow, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!

Back again Wednesday :)


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The Op

Well… having the op is potentially getting very close now, and it’s starting to hit me just what I’m letting myself in for. OK, I just want to make it clear that I’ve got no doubts that its what I want… but… even so, the finality of it is kind of scary.

Once its done, there’s absolutely no going back. I don’t want to go back, but in life I get scared if there is no plan B… even if I won’t use it!

Things can go wrong, to be fair there is a high chance I won’t come out with the perfect designer bits that people are expecting me to have. What if things go horribly wrong? Could I deal with it if its not perfect? I’ve learnt to love me the way I am right now… is upsetting that balance worth the risk?

All the maybe’s, what if’s etc… I can really see why some T girls chose not to have the op at all and lead perfectly happy lives. Then again, if I don’t have it then I’ll feel incomplete.

Meh. Just writing what’s in my head… probably doesn’t even make sense! I’m tired, irritable and feel rough today!

Note to self… should have checked where this bus was going before I got on it! I hope its going to Brum!


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