2016, Just How Bad Was It? (April – June)

Well, 2016… what is there to say about 2016? It’s the year that we will all want to forget, however the legacy of 2016 will continue to have repercussions for the next 4 years at least. Sorry folks, 2016 is leaving us, but it’s leaving it’s problems behind.

I usually do a review of the year – I’ve been vocal about this year as we went through it, so here is what I had to say at the time…
Read Part 1 (Jan – Mar)

Part 2 (April – June)

The second quarter was when the world really started going to bits, starting with the UK.

There is a Game of Thrones spoiler in this, don’t read if you’re not up to date!


Nothing like an April fools joke to kick the month off


Then the realisation of 2016 and the world that we live in started to hit home. The realisation that the world perhaps isn’t making progress in the direction that we would have liked.


Though I was able to make myself feel better by taking advantage of the heatwave to work outside.


April also means Game of Thrones, but I had to lay down a marker to anyone who even considered spoilers!


It wasn’t just politics that were screwed in 2016, the weather was a bit unsure too.



The month where I grow older, nobody wants to get older!

Nothing like a bit of exploring to take my mind off the world


Someone decided to work out which shade of trans I am. I also considered “In a Transpennine Express kinda way”


We went away to Brighton, but we wished we could take Frankie


ITV were being, well, very ITV-like, very surreal and weird.


June – Oh dear god what the fuck is happening?!

Jon Snow came back to life, we all knew it was going to happen! (See, I told you there was a GoT spoiler in here!)


Brexit happily coincided with Euro 2016, which I’m sure must have hurt some peoples heads.


Obviously though, nobody important cares about football…


The week that hit home just how far people were willing to go in relation to brexit, alongside the horrendous shootings in Florida left me really uncomfortable and with nothing to say about the world.


Frankie wanted to remain, of course.


On the day of the brexit vote, we elected to go somewhere far, far away.


And then woke up the morning after…


And finally a sentiment that I still maintain today. So far there is no sign of it “all working out in the end”



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Seriously world, what’s going on?

Advance warning, this post will probably contain strong language, because I’m seriously angry with the world right now. I’m also going to try to be very simplistic about my points and how I explain things.

OK, so on paper my life should be a real struggle, I’m transexual, bisexual, polyamorous, kinky (I was this before 50 shades made it cool), geeky and many other labels and terms that may not have been invented yet. In reality I lead an extremely privileged live when I compare it to the rest of the world. Put my problems alongside those who are currently in a camp in Calais for example, and my problems are so small they nearly don’t exist.

That brings me to my first point – why as a human race do we struggle so much to give other people a helping hand?

Now you’re probably reading this thinking “but I always help others where I can!” – this may be the case, but I find people often help “their own”, people close to them, people from the same country, same religion, same race. There is some seriously awful shit going on in the world right now, there are millions, billions even of people out there who are on the receiving end of all this, purely because of where they were born in the world.

Now, in the UK and most of Europe, compared to many countries, we’re privileged, seriously fucking privileged, every single one of us with no exceptions at all. The worldwide situation at the moment is causing people to leave their home countries (often not by choice) to go in search of somewhere better. Bear in mind, to most of these people, somewhere where they can stay alive constitutes somewhere better. They’ve gone through some serious atrocities to arrive “at our gates”, atrocities that put our minor problems to shame, they arrive here and find a mob of racist bigoted cunts with hypothetical pitchforks and a copy of the Daily Mail under their arms telling them that they’re not welcome.

Well I’ll tell you what world, you’re all welcome, because I’m a fucking decent human being. If we need to squash up a bit to make a bit of space for them, then so be it. If we need to share our wealth to give these humans a kick start in life that they’ve never been given the chance to do before, then be my guest. Stop being so fucking selfish people, get a grip, we’re all the same and it’s only the luck of the draw that you were born here in the UK rather than in some war torn country.

As far as I’m concerned, if you want a fresh start in life, you’re welcome here, we should help you – because once you’re back on your feet, I don’t doubt that you’ll contribute back into our society and hopefully do good for others.

If you read the Daily Mail, ask yourself some serious questions.

Do you even realise what you’re reading? You’re reading a paper (sorry, I just can’t call it a newspaper) that actively promotes hatred of other human beings. Do you not think there is enough of that world already? Do you actually believe the shit that they write in there?

That’s when they even try to report news, half the time they can’t be bothered to do that and resort to pointing out which latest celebrities have had their boobs fall out, or how fat they’ve got or anything else they can do to put down another human.

By giving this festering turd of a publication any ounce of respect, you are the problem and you are the reason that they will continue to spread hate and put other people down.

Reading The Sun is more socially acceptable than reading the Daily Mail (though I still wouldn’t recommend it personally)

Don’t ram your religion down peoples throats.

There are god knows how many religions out there, how can you be sure that the one that you believe in is right? You can’t all be right, surely? You think you have a right to act like vile humans just because you read a book sometime that said “A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this” (Deuteronomy 22:5) (It’s worth pointing out that the following passages appear a few lines later: “You shall not wear cloth of wool and linen mixed together. You shall make yourself tassels on the four corners of the garment with which you cover yourself.”) Don’t just pick and choose the bits you want to follow, hey!

And if you think that it’s right to kill someone in the name of your religion? Get the hell off our damn planet you fool, if there is a god then I’m sure they are laughing at you for even thinking that is in someway an acceptable thing to do.

I believe that if there *is* a god, if I die and find that there is a heaven, and said god doesn’t let me in because I didn’t believe in him despite doing the best I can to be a decent human being, then that won’t be a heaven that I’ll particularly want to be in.

All of that said, if your practising your religion in a way that does no harm to others, and it gives you hope, a reason to go on, gives you a sense of community and helps you to feel loved – then by all means believe in whatever god you like.

There were enough people in this country who voted Tory to allow them to get into government.

Why? Why would you do that? Do you not give a damn about anyone but yourself? I’m personally better off as a result of the tories, and this makes me *really* uncomfortable because I’m not someone who *needs* to be better off. There are people in this country on the street, you’re taking away benefits from legitimately disabled people, you’re squeezing the poor ever tighter and tighter – but you’re giving me tax cuts? I DON’T NEED A FUCKING TAX CUT – GROW A FUCKING BACKBONE AND HELP THOSE THAT ACTUALLY NEED IT INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE SELFISH CUNTS. Don’t get me wrong, I want more money as much as the next person – but I don’t want it at the expense of someone who needs it more than me.

Also, we’re also constantly hearing stories about those in power fucking kids? Is it that hard to *not* have sex with kids? Please stop, it’s sick and disgusting.

Homosexuality is a sin, same sex marriage is an abomination etc…

Fuck off.

Why the hell do you feel it necessary to put other people down because their body is different to yours?

So someone is bigger than you, for example – why do you feel the need to highlight this in a negative way? Just the other day on a forum I witnessed someone describe another person in a photo (who they’d never met or communicated with in any way) as a “fat bint”. Give yourself a pat on the back, I hope you’ve made yourself feel loads better because of that. What’s worse? People were quick to defend it too, give yourselves a pat on the back too – you’re promoting this culture of bodyshaming that we have.

Don’t you think there is enough wrong with the world (it’s not like I haven’t pointed out a small selection already) without you feeling the need to shame and degrade someone.

Every single human being on this planet is different by their very nature. Every single person you will meet in your entire life will be different to you, so why do you insist on having such a narrow minded view on things?

America, you really need to sort your shit out.

You really think that owning a weapon designed to seriously injure or kill someone is needed? How the hell can you even justify that? Words fail me on that one – your society is fucked.


I have nothing more to say. World, sort your shit out.


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365 days later…

So, a year ago, this happened…


I threw my lifetime collection of “stuff” into the back of a Corsa and Lexi safely(ish) delivered me to the north!

I walked into the pub and when I told people that I’d moved here, the general reaction was “what? you weren’t already living here?!”… figures!

So what’s happened in those 365 days? Here are some estimated statistics:
* 0 times watched X factor
* 1 successfully cooked turkey resulting in 0 persons with food poisioning
* 3 days in Macclesfield
* 6 days in London
* 6 days travelling to and from Birmingham
* 8 days in Hardy’s Well
* 15 umbrella’s left on trains
* 21 – the number of time’s I’ve sang “I think we’re in Didsbury” while passing Didsbury
* 50 bottles of wine
* 50 days in Birmingham
* 106 days sleeping
* 111 – the number of times that I’ve missed a 111
* 135 – the number of times that Kirsty has tried to talk me into going to KFC
* 208 status updates moaning about travelling to and from Birmingham
* 289 phonecalls from Lexi
* 300 repeats of the Big Bang Theory
* 362 days avoiding Macclesfield
* 365 days of no regrets
* 700 litres of coke
* 1000 tweets
* 1000 cups of tea made
* 11000 miles travelled (only 1000 of those with a car)


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Don’t feed the trolls

(This started out as a Facebook status update, and it started as a rant about feminism, before having a bit of a realisation and started typing this instead, and before I knew it, it was too long for Facebook!)

OK, so here’s the deal as I see it. Most people who go about their day to day life, don’t care, they don’t care about trans people, they don’t care about homosexuals. That’s not caring in a good way, as in, it makes no difference to them, they just see us as people… which is good, yes?

Our biggest fight, from what I can see is small groups of people on a mission, within larger groups. The majority of christian’s are ok, the majority of feminists, are ok, the majority of teenagers, are ok… I could go on! Yet, we end up listening and taking offence from the (frankly) idiots in the minority. What about if *we* started to not care? You know, the kind of “don’t feed the troll” logic.

Most people out there who don’t care about us, also don’t care about them, I suspect that a large proportion of their audience is us, feeding and fuelling them. A flame will go out without oxygen, surely its time we turned the fight to metaphorically starve them of oxygen?

Maybe I’m being too sensible when I say that we’ll never have 100% acceptance, there will always be a few out there that will never accept, it’s just the way that humans are, but for those few, if they’ve got no audience, then there is a massively reduced problem.

Show the world that we are normal and harmless, and the world (over time) will more and more discount the opinions of the ever diminishing minority.

That’s just my take on things anyway!



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I’m privileged

I posted something similar elsewhere, but here is a version for my blog :-)

Around various communities that I’m in, the word privilege thrown about as a bad thing, making out that some groups are more privileged than others. I don’t doubt that this is true, to be fair, we are all privileged in some way. I don’t want to rant about how this is just casually used in arguments with no real backing, I want to say what privilege is to me.

I am privileged to be able to walk down the street and not get any hassle, to not have to worry about *where* I go, or when I go there. There are so many people like me that haven’t been afforded that luxury.

I am privileged that I don’t have to hide the life that I lead, yet I still don’t push it in peoples faces, hence me rewording this post. Some people have to live the lifestyle they enjoy in private.

I am privileged to make the choices that I want to make, do the things that I want to do. People moan about the UK and what it’s becoming, but it’s a hell of a lot better than so many countries out there to live in for freedom.

I am privileged to pass as a girl. I don’t believe in my heart that I do, I don’t see a girl when I look in the mirror. But people around me tell me that I do, so I must trust them.

I am privileged for the advice I am given, even if I’m sometimes useless at taking it. It matters to me that people care about me enough to give it, it would be all to easy for people to give up on me!

I am privileged for friends from all walks of life. You don’t have to be a specific kind of person to be awesome, and I love you regardless of what slot in my life you fit into.

I am privileged to have the freedom to make my own mistakes, to look like an idiot, and to come out of anything a stronger person.

Not so long ago that I was struggling to find my place, I am privileged to now be finding it.

It’s a privilege to me to have people close to me. I really do appreciate that, lots. Without knowing it, the people around me save my life, very often.

This is what privilege really is.



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So I’m sat in a pub in New Street station, because silly Jeni got all the times mixed up and got here an hour and a half early… Doh!

May as well use this time to write a blog post, since I don’t get time anywhere else!

So what’s new in my life? I had an amazing birthday week… too much drinking, some epic hangovers and a load of very nice surprises all combined to make it pretty damn good! Oh, and some sort of chocolate based dessert daily? Yes please!


Awesome chocolate cake!

One of the high points was definitely catching up with someone who I hadn’t seen in far too long, who I love to bits. That was one of the best presents I received, ment so much to me!

But the whole week took it out of me, and I finished my week off work far more tired than when I started! Was nice to start getting back into a normal routine… having some chill time and even gave up alcohol!

I was supposed to have come down to brum sooner… but to be fair… if you were offered tickets to see Guns N Roses… you’d totally delay your trip! The gig was awesome in every sense of the word! Though, with it ending up finishing at 2am… and me having to get up at 5… it was never gonna end well the next day :)


Guns N Roses at the MEN Arena

Even though I don’t miss the place, I’m missing all my friends in the Midlands lots… I really need to make more of an effort to come down more often!

Have been totally enjoying the really nice weather recently, though today in brum has been pretty miserable.


Enjoying the sun in Platt Fields Park... may have got a little burnt!

Oh, and one final thing… my boobs are massive!! Hehe… anyway, I’ve wasted enough time now, gotta go get a train!



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Self Harm

I originally posted this on my old blog about 4 years ago, I had lost everything I posted… but recently found a notebook with half my posts in, it is still very current.

When you are in the deepest, darkest pits of depression and your coping resources have run dry, its difficult to know what to do to try to continue to cope. Your judgement will be completely clouded, and things which you previously thought to be an unthinkable option, suddenly seem like such a good idea.

In this situation, some people, myself included, turn to harming themselves as a way to release the pain. It can take many forms including cutting, scratching, pulling hair out or overdosing. Very few people on the “outside” understand what is happening if they find out. Many will brand it as attention seeking, most people will insist that you stop, this only leads to guilt and worsening the pain.

A lot of the time, self harm is far from attention seeking, it is something they are very ashamed of and will go out of their way to try to hide. Sometimes it may well be attention seeking, but not necessarily in a bad way, it can be a cry for help. When you are stuck in the pit, it is a very lonely place, talking to someone is a very hard thing to do, it is a way of showing that you are badly hurting on the inside.

Most people who self harm will completely deny that there is any element of attention seeking, this may be the case most of the time, but there will always be people that do. They should never be frowned at, they need a bit of love and attention. Maybe they don’t want to talk, but just be acknowledged. Even something as simple as a hug can go a long way.

The worst thing you can do to someone who self harms is to insist that they stop. The guilt can be far too high and can lead to them starting to bottle up their emotions, inevitably this will get to a point where they will just have a breakdown, possibly with far worse consequences. Just offer a listening ear, company if they want it. Make sure they are being safe, the majority of self harmers will have no intention of killing themselves, they are just releasing their inner pain.

I am not a doctor, I have made no in depth research into the subject. I talk from experience from being on both sides. I used to self harm regularly, I look back at what I did with so much regret, yet I fully understand what happened, and in the situation that I was in, it was the lesser of two evils. I had the guilt of people telling me to stop, that almost pushed me to suicide on several occasions. It was the friends that stuck by me throughout out that pulled me through one of my darkest times. I now have the scars as a constant reminder of the valley that I went through.

I’m not quite sure why I’m talking in the past tense, the problem hasn’t gone away. I rarely self harm these days, I’ve come a long way yet occasionally I will still slip up. I’m terrified that I will start to slip back down on a slippery slope and end up back to where I started. I am a much stronger person now to what I was then, but nobody can be 100% strong all of the time. If the fragile outer shell that I have get broken, then I’m screwed.

I hope this helps if you know or ever meet anybody who self harms. If you are reading this and you harm yourself, just remember that the other side of the valley is never that far away!



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Emotional Day

Sorry for hardly posting, but I don’t want to be one of those people that post’s for the sake of it, I’ll only post when I have something to post about.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me, it was the day I was supposed to have my operation, if things would have happened according to the original plan. I really didn’t think that it would affect me that emotionally, but it did. I had so many “what if’s” going through my head… what if I would have had the operation, etc?

It was bound to happen to be fair, it was supposed to be one of the biggest days of my life, it was a day that I was planning so long for, a day that in theory would have completed the process. So why didn’t it happen?

There wasn’t a chance that I could go through with it if there was doubts in my head about if it was what I wanted. I’ve said before that I would *never* go back to being a man, and I stand by that. But, why should I have an operation to validate who I am? Doing thing’s like that has never been the way that I’ve lived my life, so why should it be any different?

Social norms tell us that if you are transsexual, you must transition, then have a big major operation to change the outer parts of your body. No, this is completely wrong! For some people, that may be the way that they wish to go, and so they should. But for others, we don’t feel the need to take such a drastic course of action… I want to lead my life the way that I want it, and I want to have my body the way that I want it, I will not be pressurised by “social norms” to do things that I don’t actually want to do, and nobody should ever have to feel that way.

I am so glad that I saw that there was an alternative, and that the alternative was possible, before I ended up making the biggest mistake of my life, on what would have been the biggest day of my life. Again, I’ve said before that right now, I’m happy as I am, very happy, and I don’t need to change that!

But I still can’t help but wonder, what if…?




Back to Blogging

Ay up! It’s been a while hasn’t it? The move threw me completely out of sync… but now I’m getting back in sync with my first blog from sunny Manchester!

The move went really well… almost too well! Just about settled in and I’ve resumed my usual antics of being out all the time! I haven’t completely abandoned Birmingham… still down there for a few days a few times a month… you lot don’t get rid of me that easily!

It’s a different life up here… bearing in mind that I’m from a little village near a little town… its a shock to the system! I can stay out late and still get home, this is completely awesome!

I was worried that I’d struggle to be motivated enough to work from home… but it’s working out really well :) as far as customers are concerned… I’m in the “Manchester office”

I have without a doubt made the right decision to come up here… I needed to properly get away from the midlands, to break that grip that it gets around you!

The most different thing however, its cold and people talk funny!

Anyway, just an update really so you all know that I’m not dead! Knocking together a video blog of the move that I’ll put up at some point! Much love to you all!


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Places I’ve lived #2 – Catshill 2

I’m doing a series of posts, alongside anything I may normally post… Each week I’ll pick a new topic, and post 7 mini-blogs (1 each day) in relation to that topic. For this first week, its 7 things I’ve learnt about life.

This week I’m going to post the 7 places that I’ve lived, since I move house on Saturday!


Places I’ve lived #1 – Catshill 2

Don’t worry… this isn’t just going to turn into a list of different places that I’ve lived in Catshill! Anyway, the second place was just around the corner at my Dad’s. Basically my brother had moved in with my Mom, and we really didn’t get on… so I made a quick exit!

This is where I really started becoming independent… my Dad worked long hours and would spend weeks on end in Spain. It’s also where I could start dabbling with the idea of being Jen (or Sarah as she was known at the time!), essentially its where it all started :)


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Places I’ve lived #1 – Catshill

I’m doing a series of posts, alongside anything I may normally post… Each week I’ll pick a new topic, and post 7 mini-blogs (1 each day) in relation to that topic. For this first week, its 7 things I’ve learnt about life.

This week I’m going to post the 7 places that I’ve lived, since I move house on Saturday!


Places I’ve lived #1 – Catshill

OK, so I’m skipping the first place that I lived, Yeovil. Yes I was born there, but I was only there for a very short time… technically if I’d stayed there, I would now be a farmer! I spent the first 16 years of my life in a single house in Catshill, which is in that town that nobody ever manages to leave.. Bromsgrove! I grew up with my family around me, until my parents got divorced when I was about 12, I stayed with my Mom while my Dad and brother got a new flat just around the corner. To be fair, it never really hit me at the time how much I missed having a proper “together” family… but it has hit me in recent years.

Since I grew up around here, the places “Lickey End” and “Bell End” don’t amuse me… I’m used to it since they are just around the corner! I’ve left so many times, yet I always end up coming back. But alas, my time in Catshill is drawing to a close and this chapter of my life is closing… my next step will be post #7. I won’t be staying away from the place though, probably going to be back here for 1 or 2 nights a week to do with work… see… its the place you can never really leave!

I moan about it, I slag it off, I try to get out of it… but lets face it, The Grove is actually fairly cool… where else can you experience the delights of the Golden, Love 2 Love and Charlies Kebabs, all within a quarter of a mile! And if that isn’t enough, you always have Redditch… don’t get me started on that place 😉



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Thing’s I’ve learnt #7 – You have to be a little bit selfish

I’m doing a series of posts, alongside anything I may normally post… Each week I’ll pick a new topic, and post 7 mini-blogs (1 each day) in relation to that topic. For this first week, its 7 things I’ve learnt about life.


Things I’ve learnt #7
You have to be a little bit selfish

You could spend your entire life trying to please everyone else, but usually that’ll get you absolutely nowhere, apart from being used and taken advantage of. If you want to live a happy life, sometimes you have to have a moment where you just look after yourself.

It sounds like the most evil thing in the world, until you realise that everyone else is doing exactly the same thing.




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Thing’s I’ve learnt #6 – Someone will always disagree with you

I’m doing a series of posts, alongside anything I may normally post… Each week I’ll pick a new topic, and post 7 mini-blogs (1 each day) in relation to that topic. For this first week, its 7 things I’ve learnt about life.


Things I’ve learnt #6
Someone will always disagree with you

No two people have exactly the same opinions on everything, so you will find people that disagree with you. Congratulations, you’ve found someone that can think for themselves… keep hold of them! Sometimes you’ll find people that disagree with you to the point that they can’t bear to be around you. Congratulations, you’ve found someone that you’re better off without… steer clear!

If everyone in the world agreed on absolutely everything, how dull and boring would this place be? A lot of the people around me share the same opinions, yet there is always *something* where these opinions don’t quite line up


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If you read the blog I used to write, this may sound familiar… so I’ll forgive you if you get bored half way through and stop reading it! This is definitely going to be a “me me me” post, it’s my experience with depression.

That D word that people seem to avoid talking about, that D word that grips so many people, most of which probably won’t try and get any help at all. Who can blame them? When you do try and get help, a lot of it isn’t actually that constructive. What good are anti-depressants? I don’t think they have that much value, all they seem to do is remind you that you are depressed, and that you have to be depressed because you’re taking tablets for it!

I talk from experience, I went through a very dark time in my life and it wasn’t actually that long ago. Every time I look at my arms, I have a visible reminder of how things were, every time I look at my arms, I have a trigger… it’s not a good thing.

Was I depressed because I was a girl trapped in a mans body? No, I was depressed because at that time in my life, I just couldn’t cope with anything around me. I mentioned in a previous post that I really don’t think I could have transitioned during that period, and I’m really glad I didn’t. I had to sort out my life before I sorted out my gender. At the time, gender was only a tiny thing, amongst a whole array of… well… “shit”

I coped the best way I could, and that was badly! I descended on a slippery slope, each day that little bit worse than the previous, sometimes for absolutely no reason at all. I cried, I hid myself away, I self harmed, I attempted suicide. Getting to that point where you are willing to take your own life, right now, I can’t even put that into words but I do know it was the worst feeling that I’ve ever felt… I knew exactly what I was attempting, I knew exactly what was going through my head, I *was* thinking straight, even though I wish that the opposite of all those statements were true.

If I ever hear anyone point out how selfish suicide is, I do legitimately feel like punching them in the face. Nobody that has ever been there and felt the emotions that you do has ever called it selfish. Saying something like that is a great way to make someone feel so small and stupid… why could anyone actually remotely think that that is a sensible thing to say to someone already on edge? Yeah… go on, kick them when they are down, make them feel that tiny little bit worse about themselves.

But, I’m in the next chapter of my life these days, that was over 3 years ago. Am I depressed? Yes, even though I wish it would go away, it hasn’t. I can hide it, and I think I hide it well… the more I hide it, the more I convince myself it isn’t there… but it is. I wish I could count the number of days since I last self harmed in years, instead it is still only months… but being able to count it in months is still progress in the grand scheme of things.

I tried to push nearly everyone around me away, I found that my true friends gave me space, but were always close enough to pick me up when I fall. Unfortunately, some of them just couldn’t handle it, and gradually… vanished, and in the grand scheme of things, I think I’m better off without them anyway. It’s a brave person that wants to get deeper into my head and see what’s actually on the inside, the feelings deep inside are still pretty much the same as they’ve always been, I’ve just learned to cope a lot better.

I believe the way to get on top of depression is to find ways to cope, not to find ways to take away the feelings, and I really don’t think a solution lies in a packet of tablets.



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Thing’s I’ve learnt #5 – People will let you down

I’m doing a series of posts, alongside anything I may normally post… Each week I’ll pick a new topic, and post 7 mini-blogs (1 each day) in relation to that topic. For this first week, its 7 things I’ve learnt about life.


Things I’ve learnt #5
People will let you down

This is a fact, deal with it. It happens every day to every single one of us. But lets face it, you let people down too. We are human, and sometimes plans fail. Sometimes friends you thought you could rely on, prove you wrong.

If you get let down, you have two options:

  • Loose all faith in the world, try to become self sufficient and never see anyone ever.
  • Get over it and decide what you’re going to do next

I know which one I’d prefer!


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